Election Depression

It’s over and done.  The people have spoken.  I didn’t realize there were so many gullible people in our country.  How could they buy what he is selling?  I don’t understand how people couldn’t see through him to the real Obama.  Was there some sort of obamanosis going on?   I mean I love a great speaker as much as the next gal, but really, what did Obama really ever say? 

I felt that his unscripted moments were far more telling as to his real heart and our nations future.  Things like :  bitter, gun carrying, bible reading small town America, sharing the wealth, electricity necessarily skyrocketing, bankrupting coal plants, spending 150billion to create 5 million jobs (please do the math and tell me this makes absolutely no sense), my grandmother, the typical white woman.  

Joe Biden taking money out of my pocket and putting into someone elses and saying how very patriotic this would be while smiling, smiling, smiling.  I really wanted to come through the tv set and say ” Stay out of my pockets, you might just get slapped.” 

Obama saying that he wouldn’t want his teenaged daughter to be punished with the mistake of a child.  When I heard this a cold chill ran down my spine.  Everytime I heard about increasing taxes to “share the wealth” a cold chill ran down my wallet.

On the campaign trail as the great new moderate, who unites everyone.  But who has he ever united?  How moderate is his voting record?  Did he ever stand up against a wrong, unless of course it was politically necessary.  What about his associations, how moderate are they?  I think one of the most hillarious things I heard on the campaign trail was the “I renounce you” statements.  They really should have gone more like “I renounce you, now lets go have lunch”.   

I must say I have spent days since the election in a kind of a funk.  Incredulous, angry and depressed.  Fearful at what is to come.  After all if we have Obama as president, Joe Biden running his mouth as the VP and possibly John Kerry as Secty of State something is gonna happen.  It might not be the change I need.  Oh ho, Oh hum. 

So I devised a list, and here it is:

 

Ten things to do for the next 4 years:

 

1.  Pray, often.  Pray for Sarah Palin, Pray for our country, Pray for the unborn, Pray for our military.

2.  Take an imaginary shot of tequila every time I hear the word Change, Hope, Yes we Can. I wish I could do it for real, but alas I am a recovering alcoholic. 

3.  Start a campaign fund for the next election.  .25 for every time “The One” says change, hope, unite, or Yes we Can. 1.00 for every unscripted question asked / answered at a press conference, 2.00 for each additional bailout to the automakers.   and so on. 

4.  Learn to bake bread, grow my own food, raise my own chickens, pigs, and goats, economize, economize. 

5.  Start e-mail campaign to House and Senate.  Enter the telephone #’s on speed dial.  Obama says he wants my input, he will get it.

6.  Ponder the newest bipartisan moderate to emerge from the House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi.

7.  Have a bumper sticker made – In loving memory to 3000 aborted babies every day.

8.  Pray for the health of the current supreme court justices.

9.  Practice saying “I told you so” in a kind, loving and humble manner.

10.  Pray, pray often.  

 

Dateline – Anywhere, U.S.A.

 

Remember after winning the Democratic Party’s nomination, Barack Obama said he’d meet John McCain anytime, anywhere for a town hall meeting.  Since accepting his coronation, Obama has refused to keep this promise.   Could it be that there isn’t really an anyplace / anywhere in the United States.   Sooo let’s just pretend that Anywhere really does exist.  

 

 

Welcome, welcome to the Pine Street VFW  Hall and Deerndoe Hunting Club (temporary location), and the Springhill Methodist United Baptist Church (Wednesday & Sunday’s only)  here in Anywhere, USA.  We are pleased to have with us two of our country’s nominees for the office of President of the United States for a town hall meeting. 

 

I am Mayor Jones and will be serving as the lone microphone holder and moderator.  Questions will come from the floor.  If you have a question, please raise your hand and I will amble over with the microphone.  Please limit your questions to no more than 1 paragraph in length, and lets try not to trip up Senator Obama who has agreed to answer unscripted genuine questions without the use of a teleprompter. 

 

Let’s begin with a prayer and the Pledge of Allegiance

 

OBAMA:   I object to the prayer as I sincerely believe in the separation of church and state, and since this great American Building is located on a street belonging to the public i.e. the state I think that a prayer is not appropriate in this great venue.   As you know I went to Harvard, where we never prayed before appearing at town hall meetings.  

 

I must also respectfully object to the saying of the Pledge of Allegiance as It mentions the name of God and was not written by a man of color.   As you know my pastor Jeremiah Wright would never allow the Pledge of Allegiance to be recited in our church.   I promise that during my administration as your president I will work diligently day and night to make sure that our constitutional rights are protected by banning prayer in all state venues and changing the Pledge of Allegiance to brief verse citing that “Yes we can hope to make change!!”  

 

Thank you Mayor Jones for respecting my desire for change, for as you know “Change is a president who brings people together.”

 

MAYOR JONES:  Okay let’s get this show on the road.  Which one of you bitter gun carryin’ Bible totin’  Yahoo’s has a question for the Senator.

 

RALPH:  Senator Obama as you may know the price of gasoline is going through the roof.  I can no longer afford to feed  my family.  The only car I own is a 1975 Pontiac Bonneville.  It gets about 5 miles to a gallon and I have to get to work every day and take the kids to school.  As president, what are you going to do to lower gas prices? 

 

OBAMA:  Well ah Ralph, I learned at Harvard, and wrote in my book, that a roof is the top of a house.  I am not sure I understand how you are relating the top of a house to the price of gas and then the price of gas to the type of car that you drive.

 

 I’m not sure what a Pontiac is, since all of my friends drive German cars, as you know I am a citizen of the world.

 

 I promise to be a president who says that “change is a president who brings people together.”   And Ralph, I hope that after I increase the payroll tax, capitol gains taxes, income taxes and  tax the oil companies for making too much profit off of working Middle Class Americans like you, you will  not have to worry about getting back and forth to work.  

 

In the meantime, may I suggest that you check the air pressure on your tires and hope that you can get a more fuel efficient – solar and wind powered vehicle soon available at your local dealership for a mere $65,000.00.  Because that is what my administration will be all about, bringing people together for our common purpose. 

 

EDITH:  Senator Obama what do you plan to do about education in this country?

 

OBAMA:  Edith I’m so glad you asked about education.  As you know I am dead set against 4 more years of the same failed policy. 

 

My administration will bring change by bringing people together.  What better place to be together than in a school??  My plan for education is twofold.  First I plan to appoint a new secretary of Education, the esteemed expert on school and public buildings where people are together, Mr. William Ayers.  Mr. Ayers is an expert in the juvenile justice system and is a professor, teaching our current breed of public school teachers and textbook authors. 

 

The second part of my plan will be to bring children together on 68 million acres of leased land that I will take back from the oil companies.  

 

Children will be required to come together for the purpose of indoctrination uuuuh I mean education as soon as they are able to walk.  Early childhood indoctrination, I mean education will be the focal point of the change I want to bring to America. 

 

 

FRANK:  Senator Obama what will do to win the war against terror in Iraq? 

 

OBAMA:  Well Frank, that is a hard question.  In order to answer it, I will have to refer you to my foreign policy adviser who was not allowed into the building. 

 

In his absence I will put on my  poor  Middle Class hat and give it a whirl. 

 

First of all Frank there never was a war on terror in Iraq,  it was all a lie perpetrated on the American People by the current administration.  Sadam Hussein is a guy that I would have sat down with and tried to reason with him to stop killing his own people and hiding chemical weapons in the basement of day care centers.  I’m sure that with my good looks, and Michelle’s classy outfits he would have  listened to me.

 

As I’ve said several times in the past, the war in Iraq is lost, the surge is not working and we should have never gone there.  As soon as the ink is dry on the New York Times’ announcement of my presidency, I’ll surrender to Al Quaida and remove our troops on the next plane out of there.   I have even authored several pieces of legislation to end this war. 

 

As you know the most difficult decision I ever had to make was the decision to oppose the war,  and to stand up with my friends at Moveon.org  to openly discuss the exact date of the troop withdrawal and the fact that our soldiers were only winning against the civilians, mostly babies. 

 

Since taking this position I have changed my mind, and can almost say that the surge might have, could have possibly been the right idea and that a phased  withdrawal would make sense if there was a General in the field that would agree with it.    

 

As  I stated earlier, this is the best I can do to answer your question without the use of my teleprompter and the advice of my handlers, I mean Foreign Policy Advisors. 

 

JANE:  Senator Obama,  Do you think that we should drill here, drill now?

 

OBAMA:  Jane, thank you so much for this question.  If I am elected president by all of the underage, illegal, and dead voters, I promise to immediately address the energy crisis.   Here is my plan: 

 

I plan to tax the bejesus out of the oil companies  and use the money to invest in clean renewable energy.

 

 In the next 20 years you should be able to drive a car powered by rice flour.  It should only cost you the consumer about 72,000.00 to buy one of these renewable fuel vehicles.  You may be wondering how you are going to pay for this.  I plan to tax the rich, thus taking their hard earned money and giving it to you. 

 

In the meantime, I do not agree with offshore drilling, it will take at least 10 years to get the oil to the consumer and it will not have an effect on the price of gas at the pump.  In the meantime, the oil companies should drill on the 68 million acres they already have.  Who cares if there isn’t enough oil on this land to fill a barrel, they leased the land they should put it to good use.  

 

As you know change is a president who will bring people together, and how can we all be together if our planet is all burned up because  our dependence on fossil fuels has warmed up the planet.   It is my opinion and the opinion of my elitist democratic supporters that fossil fuel is not in your best interest and therefore I shall do absolutely nothing to alleviate the high price of gas. 

 

It will be for your own good to pay even more for a gallon of gas.  After all where do you have to go in this town anyway. 

 

RICHARD:  Senator Obama, What is your plan to keep our country safe?

 

OBAMA:  Richard, thank you so much for asking that question. I regret that I am not able to answer as it would be above my pay grade to do so.  My short answer is that we should all come together and live in Senator McCain’s 7 houses for the next hundred years.

 

STAN:  Senator Obama, What is your opinion on free trade. 

 

OBAMA:  Stan thank you for the great question.  As I told my friends in Canada, I am all for free trade. 

 

If you are a displaced worker, whose company has moved overseas in order to compete in the world market, than I am completely against it.  We Americans need an administration that is focused on bringing American people together for change.    

 

Thank you all for allowing me to come to your town hall meeting.  I hope that you are ready for all of the  changes I hope to make, and that you will be voting for me in November. 

 

Authors note:  At the last minute, Senator McCain received an e-mail from his staff that he was needed in Washington for Senate business.  He was not able to attend this town hall meeting after all.  He sent his regrets and a note that began:  “My friends”

The Queen of KaKa

For some reason I seem to be a poop magnet. It seems that lately I’ve been surrounded by bodily fluid/solid waste of some type or another. Just this morning, I had to clean up 3 lovely piles left by the dog while I was peacefully sleeping. Baby wipes in hand I scrubbed and scrubbed, wishing just once he would try the pristine new piddle pad I had set out for him earlier.

Last week my daughter came into my room, crawled into my bed, reached over for a cuddle, and was soaking wet. She hasn’t had a nighttime accident in ages and ages. First day of vacation spent hunting down a Laundromat , and washing sheets, mattress pad, comforter and smelly jammies. At least I got to work on the grocery list while wash washed and dried. Laundromats are such great hangouts on Saturdays.

Not to be outdone, the dog whizzed on the sofa.

Back in the day when I worked for my groceries, I adjusted insurance claims. During the course of my career I was assigned: a lawsuit involving cat pee on a rooftop, deer droppings in a pond, an elderly man who peed on a chair while at a friends house, and an angry home buyer claiming that the seller defecated on the carpet before moving out of his new home (the seller’s had lived in the home for 25 years and kept their house cleaner than my house on the housekeepers best minute.

My coworkers nominated me the “Queen of KaKa“. If they only knew my most recent accomplishments!

It seems like I am surrounded by the offensive fluids lately. Hubby (bless his heart) got me a puppy for Christmas and I have been praising and punishing every little emission. Now he’s talking about getting a female friend for the puppy – Yipee! Yipee! it sounds like more pee!

Potty training my toddler was a whole lot easier. I just let her go along on her own. Believe it or not, we never read potty stories or sang fun potty songs. Maybe I missed something by not resorting to the stories and songs? Who knows?

What I know for sure is that my KaKa days are not even close to being over yet. I just need to buck up, keep plenty of paper towels at the ready, and think of a name for the new puppy. I’m thinking Puddles (i mean Bubbles).

Please pass the baby wipes.

Ode to Tuna Casserole

What’s for dinner – mmm tuna casserole. Quick, easy, cheap, comforting, crispy and creamy. Topped with breadcrumbs, french fried onions, potatoe chips and so on…. versatile with most of the ingredients already in the pantry.

Tuna is so easy, just open the can. No cooking, no chopping, just a quick drain in the sink and it’s ready. Being the queen of the 20 minute supper, tuna makes a great base to build a meal.

There is something about peas that reminds me of simple times. Just think – pasta with alfredo sauce, chicken-n-dumplings with peas (and of course cranberry sauce on the side), buttery rice and peas, pea salad. The food mom makes to get something on the table for supper that is family and budget friendly.

Last night, hubby was teasing me giving me a $10 for the weeks groceries. I teased back telling him that we’d be eating ramen and tomato soup for supper next week. Unless of course he’d like to have the leftover tuna casserole?